Leaving the Past in the Mountains

Past (showing at The Art Muse Gallery) & Present (sold), acrylic gouache on panel

It has been easy to put this post off. I had more than 30 years of practice avoiding this conversation. But, I finally wrote this Google review  for Saprea, because I hope it helps someone else and because healing happens when we stop carrying our stories alone and healing happens better in community.

Saprea is an organization whose mission is to Help, Prevent, and Educate. They “heal the one to protect the many” by empowering survivors of child sexual abuse; they help protect their future generations, and educate the community.

There are hard things to talk about, and then there’s this. It is painful, it is uncomfortable but it is also real and heartbreakingly common. One in eight children is sexually abused before turning eighteen. The effects last for years and make survivors more likely to struggle with their mental and physical health, more likely to attempt suicide, less likely to graduate, and often more likely to find comfort in unhealthy habits.

For a long time, I downplayed my experience and rationalized it away. Learning about trauma and its effects through a well-designed and clinically informed program changed that for me. Saprea offers a free four-day retreat for adult women. Yes, free, and yes, I was skeptical. Nothing is ever free, right? But I booked my flight and off I went. And it CHANGED my life.
The Saprea retreat is led by licensed therapists, social workers, and case managers who care deeply about what they do. Every detail is intentional, and it shows. They are the kind of people who keep the good kind of tissues handy and pay attention to the individual because every word and every story matters.

I went a day early, so I could be well rested. In the morning, my hotel shuttle reservation was missing, not a great way to start the day! The minutes I waited felt like hours, I had to remind myself I budgeted for delays. When the shuttle finally arrived, I felt both anxious and excited. I was showing up for myself, this was happening. A cute lady got in and mentioned she was going to a women’s retreat. Me too! I replied. Instant bond! Without even knowing her name, I felt a connection that didn’t need a lot of words. We were past talking about the weather from the get-go.

The location is undisclosed to keep everyone safe. That alone required trust, which is not easy for many of us. We met at a designated area to be driven to the ultimate destination. I volunteered to sit in the back of the suburban since I am short and do not need much leg room. The ride made me a little queasy, they were prepared with ginger chews. I took one and managed to choke on it. My lovely new neighbor started describing how she would go about doing the Heimlich in the middle of the freeway, and we all laughed. Somehow, instead of embarrassment, I felt accepted, ugly choking sounds and all.

We were welcomed in a gorgeous state, thoughtfully divided in groups and rooms. Every detail was so intentional and meaningful, it felt so good to be there. There was a full schedule ahead, yet nothing was ever rushed. Everything was offered and optional. I love that power of choice and respect, so I jumped in with both feet.

For the first time in my life, I was part of a group where I did not have to keep my guard up. What brought us together connected us deeply, and there was no pretending. It was a rare, delicious kind of authenticity that I want to keep nurturing.

The classes and activities stretched me while holding me with care. They broadened my view in ways I didn’t expect. I found a power within me that I am still learning to trust. Because I was there, I no longer feel utterly alone. Because of who I met, I want to grow into the kind of person they are. Because of Saprea, I broke down a thick fear wall that had been keeping me from being fully myself.

I keep coming back to the truth that “shame lives alone and in the shadows.” It’s still not easy to talk about this, but the more I do, the more light I shine on it,  the less I carry by myself. Abuse is too common. Trauma is real. Its consequences are long-lasting, but healing is possible.

Shame thrives in darkness, 8x10in acrylic on board

I was sexually abused by a female cousin when I was five years old.
For years I carried that pain quietly, unsure how to let it go. At the retreat, I finally began to release it. We talked about things many of us had been running from for years, and it felt as though the mountains around us whispered, ‘leave it here.’

I faced fears I didn’t know I could face. I recharged my light with the help of new friends, and through understanding myself more deeply, grace found its way in. With it I found the strength to tackle the ‘someday’ things and to go for dreams I once believed I ‘didn’t deserve.’

More than six thousand women have found hope, awareness, and better coping tools through Saprea’s mission. I arrived feeling undeserving of the care that I experienced and left knowing that I have much to receive and much to give.

Every day is a new opportunity. Some days still feel heavy, but I know who to call to help me carry the load.

It is Sunday evening, six months after the retreat. I am off camera (because I needed to that day) on a Zoom call with some of my Saprea sisters, laughing and reflecting together. Marveling in our shared quirks, repeating the phrase I so often heard at Saprea: “You do that too!?!!“
Once again I am reminded of what I learned on the very first day:
Healing happens in community , and when we heal together, so much is restored.

This experience deepened my understanding of why I create. My art has always been a way to connect with myself, with others, and with what is hard to put into words. Healing, like art, begins when we bring what was hidden into the light. Healing is not meant to be a solitary path. We heal through presence, through listening, and through the stories we dare to share. Every time we speak with honesty or create from a place of truth, we make it easier for someone else to do the same. My hope is that this story reminds you to reach within, to connect, and to keep choosing community over silence. When we walk together, light spreads farther than we can ever imagine.